I have not posted in a long time, for various reasons - not the lest of which being I forgot my motto. I drank instead of doing things. But I have also been trying to juggle my work life with my personal life (both of which took a sharp turn for the worst in the past few months but are gradually getting better). The not-too-distant future is going to look into these events but I want to take the time to address the YUGE elephant in the room. Why, oh why, did I go off rails? Why would I want to talk about this on a blog page dedicated to literally everything else I do instead of drinking?
Because we need to talk about failure.
We need to talk about those moments when we look in the mirror and say, "Who the hell is that?!" In my case, I know who the hell that is. Let's call her "Drunk Girl".
"How I Met You Mother" referred to this person as "woo-hoo girl", but Drunk Girl comes in a variety of flavors. On the surface, she is loud and usually surrounded by her drunk friends. If she is alone she is trying to talk to everyone she can at the bar. There is Happy Drunk Girl, the one who is dancing and "woo-hoo"-ing. There is Sad Drunk Girl, who will start the night a little crabby but after a few drinks starts crying about her job or recent break up. There is the very dangerous (and all too familiar) Horny Drunk Girl who is out to get laid. Sometimes Drunk girl is all three of these, sometimes she is something other combination of emotions. But we have all made fun of Drunk Girl because she is loud and annoying. She loses clothing throughout the night because she wants to fight or fuck or both. She ends the nights sleeping, puking, or blacking out completely.
Digging a little deeper, though, each Drunk Girl has her reasons for being the way she is. Sometimes Drunk Girl is just a kids and doesn't know how to hold her liqueur.Sometimes Drunk Girl is only drinking like this because she's hit a milestone and hasn't drank in ages. However, the Drunk Girl I see in the mirror is a little different. She lived with undiagnosed depression and ADHD for years and was always surrounded by alcohol. She was sexually repressed and predisposed to having an addictive personality. She loves socializing but is also shy (needs some "liquid courage", as one person put it).
She is the girl who was the 1 of 5 women that get mentioned in college rape statistics.
Yeah, Drunk Girl is not a happy person. She really isn't a sad person, either. She is a person created to handle overwhelming or crippling emotions - a Hyde to a Jekyll. But she is, underneath it all, a person. I have judged other Drunk Girls before, and I am humbled to have been reacquainted with my own. She is a part of my existence and part of the reason why I made this blog in the first place. I am ashamed of her, but I can't sweep her under the rug. Instead, I have to work with Drunk Girl to focus on our ambitions.
When I'm depressed, Drunk Girl wants to do something about it... drink it away. She will nag and nag and nag until I got to a bar. But I have to calm Drunk Girl down and ask "Why? What do you want to do at the bar?" Sometimes she wants to decompress and talk about what's bothering her, so I suggests calling friends to hang out. Sometimes she wants to get out of the house, so I suggest walking in the park. Sometimes she really misses beer. And yeah, I do too, but sometimes you just have to calm down Drunk Girl and get a coffee.
Like I said, work has been awful.Ironically, my family has been having relapses into alcoholism and THAT is what pushed me into drinking again. On top of this, about three weeks ago, my husband was diagnosed with leukemia. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am stubborn and willful. Everything I have I have earned, and I hate asking for help. When the words "cancer" came up, I fell apart. I was suddenly at the mercy of science to take care of the one I love most without ANY way of helping. I have been staying with him as often as I can, but not as often as I want. I am the only one who can work and I don't have the luxury of calling off. I slept better in the shitty chair at the hospital than in any bed away from him. I will go into this more later, but this has placed my charity work and social life on hold. And the worst part is that I didn't fucking care about MY social life. I didn't care that it was the holidays. I didn't care about anything else except getting my husband out of the hospital (which thankfully will be soon). I have had to ask for help for cooking and cleaning and so many other things that I have learned to put my pride aside. It has shaken me up so much that I feel like I really have changed. I am a stronger person. But at first I fell apart.
All that stress was too much for Sam, and Drunk Girl decided to put in her two cents for the past few weeks. This has not been a good experience for me, but now that life is calming down I can focus on writing again.I want to talk about the experience with my husband more in another passage, because I really do feel different. Among the more uplifting things to write about are Drug Nuns, Firefighting, Wedding Ceremony Plans, and Cats...so stay tuned!!!
And before signing off I want to ask you a favor: the next time you see a Drunk Girl, have some sympathy. Keep in mind that not every Drunk Girl is a drunk girl. Drunk Girl can be that neighbor that is always shopping or that coworker that is living vicariously through their kids. Drunk Girl may not even be a Girl. In this social and political climate it is so easy to judge people on the surface. Take the time to think about why Drunk Girl is drinking, and maybe be reminded of the Drunk Girl in you.
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